A Tale of Drink
by Jade Dragoon
Summary: Reiko wakes up with a subatomic hangover after a party at Havik's. Madness ensues. My first humor fic. R&R, please.


Disclaimer: I do not own MK or anything related to it

Author's Note: Anyone who's read any of my other stories will know that this isn't the type of thing that I usually write. I've read a couple very funny MK fics, and this is just something I'm trying out to see if I can be funny as well. If it makes you laugh, let me know. If it makes you want to die, let me know, so I can stop trying to write humor and stick to fighting. Thank you. Rated T for some disgusting humor.

**A Tale of Drink**

Reiko's eyelids fluttered open, bringing the world into a blurry focus as he stirred to wakefulness. He rubbed his eyes as his mind pushed away the drunken sleep that he'd fallen into, trying to get his bearings. He sat up slowly, then collapsed back down as a grenade went off in his head, the unholy mother of all hangovers kicking in. For a minute or so he just lay there, moaning and crying, then, as the little green spots cleared from his vision, he realized where he was.

_Why the hell am I on the washing machine? _Reiko wondered to himself. He swung himself down and walked out of the laundry room of Shao Kahn's palace, trying to remember the events of last night. Fragmented snippets of memories assaulted him, putting even more strain on his head and making him bleed slightly from the ears. They party had been in the Chaosrealm graveyard, he recalled that much. Havik threw the best parties _ever. _Vaguely, he remembered Scorpion setting fire to some tombstones after his ninth screwdriver, and Fujin trying to put out the flames by peeing on them. Reiko laughed, which drove an enormous hangover-spike into his brain. His shriek of agony echoed throughout the palace, and an old, deaf woman in Orderrealm yelled at him to shut up. She was beheaded for disturbing the peace.

The party slowly came back to him as he rubbed his temples. Goro passing out after chugging an entire keg of beer…Bo' Rai Cho singing "Sexy Back" at the top of his lungs…Scorpion slipping laxatives into Quan Chi's drink when he got up to go throw rocks at a squirrel…Shinnok and Raiden getting into a heated argument over who the coolest Power Ranger was…(Shinnok had said the red one. Raiden had said the pink one. Onaga had told them both to shut up and bring him another bottle of Jack Daniels). Reiko's last coherent memory was of Jade tongue-kissing Kitana. After that his mind went completely blank.

He staggered in the general direction of the bathroom. On his way, he realized for the first time that there was something in his pocket. He rummaged through it, and pulled out a severed human hand, two plane tickets to Canada, and a picture of him with his shirt off, wearing Raiden's hat and hugging Baraka. He looked at the picture for a few moments, then decided he'd rather not know what happened next.

Finally reaching the bathroom, Reiko looked into one of the mirror and saw that someone had drawn a picture of a penis on his forehead with a Sharpie. "Shit," he muttered. He grabbed a washcloth and started to scrub the marker off. As he rubbed furiously, he heard a sloppy, wet sound from one of the stalls behind him, followed by Quan Chi's voice yelling, "SON OF A BITCH!!!!"

Reiko had just gotten the last of the drawing off of his face when Jax walked in, humming softly to himself. Upon seeing Reiko he broke out into a grin.

"Hey, hey, hey!!! What's up, party animal?"

"What are you doing here?" Reiko asked, rubbing his head, which was _still_ throbbing unmercifully.

"I went home with Mileena, remember?" Jax said, grinning even wider. "Best sex I've had in days." He walked over to the nearest urinal, still humming. Reiko turned away, doing his best to hide a smile. If he'd slept with Mileena, more likely than not he would be getting an unpleasant surprise very soon. And sure enough…

"Ahhh! It burns! It burns!!!" Unable to contain himself, Reiko looked over at Jax, bursting with laughter. Jax stood at the urinal, looking pathetic.

"Mileena caught the clap from Baraka about five years ago," Reiko informed him happily. "She's too lazy to go to the clinic." Jax could only whimper.

Finishing his painful business, Jax turned to Reiko and tossed him his cell phone. "Do me a favor and call Sonya," he said. "I think she's got some pills for this at the house. I'm going to go kill Mileena." He stomped off. Chuckling, Reiko found Sonya's number in Jax's phonebook and began to dial…

Thirty minutes later, Reiko stood on top of the palace's tallest spire, having been to the Throne Room, the Map Room, the Soul Chamber, the Armory, and down in the dungeons, all with no success. _Stupid fucking phone…what's a guy gotta do to get service in this place? _He dialed the number yet again, and finally heard a ring.

After three rings, Sonya picked up, yelling, "If this is Blockbuster, Eyes Wide Shut is not overdue! I turned it in last week!"

"Um, Sonya? Just Reiko."

There was a four-second silence on the other line, followed by…six more seconds. Reiko finally cleared his throat, jerking Sonya out of her spell of embarrassment.

"Right, right. What's up? That was some party of Havik's last night, huh?"

Reiko rubbed his temples again. "I'm still trying to remember it all. Listen. Mileena gave Jax gonorrhea last night. He says you have some pills that can help."

"Yeah, I think so. Let me…JOHNNY CAGE, IF YOU GRAB MY ASS AGAIN I AM GONNA STICK YOUR DICK IN A BLENDER!!!" Reiko could hear childlike laughter in the background. "Anyway," Sonya went on, "let me check." There was silence as she left. About five minutes later, she returned.

"Tell Jax not to worry, I've got the stuff. Where is he now?"

Squeals of pain from Mileena's room reached Reiko's ears. "He's here at Shao Kahn's palace, beating the tar out of Mileena."

"Great," she said. "Hey, listen. I don't have a ride there. Can you pick…DAMMIT, JOHNNY!!!" There was a small commotion as she threw the phone down, followed by the sounds of a blender being turned on, and a scream of excruciating pain. Reiko winced, both at what Sonya had done to Johnny, and at the fact that all the noise was making his hangover ten times worse. He tried not to vomit as he heard Sonya yell, "Walk it off, you pussy!" Finally, the shrieks stopped and Sonya picked up the phone again. "As I was saying," she continued calmly, "there's no way I can get there. If you wouldn't mind…"

"No, no problem," Reiko told her, trying to ignore the agony in his head. "Be there in a few minutes." He hung up the phone and made the long trip down the spire and out into the courtyard. As he prepared to teleport to Earthrealm, he saw Reptile heading his way. He swore and tried to teleport as fast as he could, but Reptile had already seen him. Walking up to Reiko, he sucked in an enormous breath and yelled in the loudest possible voice, "GOOD MORNING!!!"

"AIEEEE!!!" Reiko screamed, grabbing his head as his skull melted. "DIE! DIE! DIE!" He grabbed a handful of throwing stars and flung them at Reptile. When the evil green spots of doom disappeared a second time, Reptile was lying in a pool of blood on the ground. Feeling slightly better, Reiko gave the finger to his corpse and teleported away.

When he materialized in front of Sonya's house, she was already outside, waiting for him and wearing a t-shirt that said 'Special Forces Chicks Do It In Foxholes'. Johnny Cage was outside too, being wheeled towards an ambulance on a stretcher. There was a large Band-Aid on the crotch of his jeans.

"Bye, Johnny!" Sonya called sweetly. Johnny began to sob.

"Do you have Jax's pills?" Reiko asked.

"Yeah. This is the third time this week he's caught something. You think he'd learn…"

"Let's go, then. Give me your hand." As she reached out for him, Reiko noticed something. "Why do you have a tattoo that says 'Too drunk to fuck' on your arm?" he asked. Sonya went red and mumbled something about waking up in Tahiti after the party. Reiko made a mental note to check himself for any ink when they got back.

As they prepared to teleport, a man walking by on the sidewalk whistled suggestively at Sonya. She turned towards him, then pulled out a pistol and shot him four times in the head. "Excuse me for a moment," she said. She walked over and dragged the body into the house. Reiko heard a faint, "I'm not dead…" followed by another gunshot. Sonya walked back out, a contented look on her face. "Shall we go?" she asked. Reiko thought it best to keep silent. He grabbed her hand and they teleported away.

They arrived at Outworld moments later. Reiko was greeted by the sight of Shao Kahn standing over the dead body of Reptile, dancing gleefully, singing, "Ding, dong, the asshole's gone…" Spotting Reiko and Sonya, he skipped over to them. "Hello…hello all…how are you?" Under his skull mask, he was grinning from ear to ear.

"Where's Jax?" Reiko asked. The abnormally cheerful Emperor of Outworld pointed behind him in response. Jax was dangling Mileena out of a tenth-story window by her ankles, describing in a loud voice various blunt objects and where he was going to shove them if she "ever gave this shit to him" again.

Sonya sighed. "I'll get him…"

A few minutes later, Jax had been given the pills, and Mileena was hiding under her bed, twitching. All was right with the world…except for one small thing.

"MOMMY, I WANNA COOKIE!!!" Jax giggled like a five year old and started clapping his mechanical hands, making a clanging noise that brought the evil green spots of doom back yet again. Groaning, Reiko massaged his head. It turned out that the pills for Jax's "predicament" had actually been Ecstasy tablets. Jax had taken six, so he now had all the energy and happiness of a small child with a near-fatal sugar level and a severe case of ADHD.

Jax hopped around for a few minutes, then spotted some vultures that had come down to pick at Reptile's corpse. "YAY!!! BIRDIES!!!" Jax squealed with delight and ran after the flock of vultures, which scattered. While Jax chased after them, Reiko walked over to Shao Kahn, who had both hands around Sonya's throat, throttling her.

"You did this!!! Youuuu!!!" Reiko laid a calming hand on his emperor's arm and drew his hammer. Understanding, Kahn pulled out his own hammer. They stood a few feet apart, and when Jax ran by, they both swung their hammers at the same time, crushing his head. Jax stood there for a minute, dazed, then muttered, "That wasn't very nice, Mommy…" before falling down with a crash. Both Outworlders gave simultaneous sighs of relief, then turned on Sonya, hammers raised. She backed up a bit, then pulled out a plate of cookies from nowhere. "Snickerdoodles?" she asked.

They finished most of the cookies in about ten minutes. "We should go see if Shang Tsung wants some," Reiko suggested.

"Good idea," agreed Kahn. "His room's this way." Kahn let them to Tsung's quarters, opened the door…and let out an earsplitting shriek. He fell back, his hands over his face, yelling, "My eyes!!! My eyes!!!" A moment later, Shang Tsung came hurrying out of the door, zipping up his fly.

"Don't you ever knock?!" he asked, agitated. His face was beet red.

Huddled up against the wall, Shao Kahn whimpered. There were two smoking holes where his eyes had been. "I can't see anything…" he moaned. He felt around blindly and ended up grabbing one of Sonya's boobs. She stabbed him in the hand.

Reiko turned to Tsung as Kahn let out a fresh howl of pain. "You ever thought about locking the door when you do that, dude?" he asked. Tsung scowled.

"We should take him to Kenshi's," Sonya said. "He can teach him how to move without any eyes."

"No…please…" Kahn pleaded. "I made so many blind people jokes the last time I saw him…he'd kill me."

Ignoring him, Reiko grabbed his emperor with one hand, Sonya with the other, and teleported to Kenshi's house, leaving a very embarrassed Shang Tsung behind.

Twenty minutes later, he was sitting in Kenshi's front lawn, watching the blind swordsman try to teach Shao Kahn how to walk without his sight and thoroughly enjoying himself. The lessons in themselves were amusing, and what was more, his hangover was beginning to recede. A couple feet away, Sonya was on the phone with a very irritated Jax, whom they'd left in Outworld.

"Look, Jax, I'm sorry they hit you in the head with hammers, and I know it still hurts when you pee, but try to suck it up. I'll have the right pills for you as soon as we get done at Kenshi's." She hung up, turned her phone off, and walked back over to where Reiko was sitting. "Did I miss anything?"

"Nope. They're just getting ready to try again." Kenshi was supposed to be teaching Kahn how to get around without being able to see, but so far he only seemed interested in paying the emperor back for the blind jokes. So far he'd sent Kahn into a thicket of thorny rose bushes, down an open manhole, and into the yard of a particularly irate Rottweiler, which had only let go of Kahn's leg when Meat had walked by. The dog had taken off after him at something close to the speed of sound, with Meat running away only a few feet in front of it, screaming, "Bad doggie!!! BAD DOGGIE!!!"

"Okay, Kahn, take ten steps to your right," Kenshi said, a sadistic grin on his face. Kahn did as Kenshi told him, which put him out in the middle of the open road.

"Um, Kenshi? I hear traffic."

"It's just the wind, Kahn," Kenshi assured him, grinning even wider.

"Okay…" Kahn said. Just then, a UPS delivery truck ran him over, breaking four ribs and collapsing a lung. Reiko heard a disembodied voice say, "This is what brown can do for you." Kahn groaned, muttering, "Kenshi, you asswipe…"

As he struggled feebly to get up he was hit again by a snowmobile. Losing control completely, the Emperor of Outworld curled up into the fetal position and began to rock back and forth, bawling like a five year-old. Reiko, however was looking elsewhere. Sub-Zero had just gotten out of the snowmobile and was staring confusedly at Kahn.

"What's got his nuts in a knot?" Sub-Zero asked.

"Ignore him," Reiko replied. "He's just having a really bad day."

Sub-Zero shrugged his shoulders, then called out, "Who wants Sno-Cones?"

"Oooh! Oooh!!! Me! Memememeee!!!" Shao Kahn yelled, springing up from the ground and jumping up in the air, all injuries and humiliation forgotten. Reiko smiled to himself.

Sub-Zero made the Sno-Cones and they all set about eating them. Slurping his Sno-Cone, Reiko was thinking that this day might not turn out so bad after all when suddenly, a drunken voice raised in song reached his ears.

"I'm bringin' sexy baaack…I'm bringin' sexy baaack…"

Reiko's stomach dropped down to his boots. _No…not him…_But it was. Bo' Rai Cho came into view, swaying violently, a bottle of Gray Goose in his hand. _He's still hammered from the night before, _Reiko realized. Everyone standing in the yard had gone dead white. There was nothing they could do as the drunken warrior spotted them and staggered over to them.

"Hey everybody!!!" he cried. "Shao Kahn, I _love _you, you sexy bitch!!!" He cackled with glee, then screwed up his face like he was constipated and ripped an enormous fart. A smell akin to that of backed-up sewage invaded their nostrils, making them all fall to their knees, choking and screaming in agony. Sub-Zero ripped off his mask and projectile-vomited all over the yard, and Kenshi, sobbing with pain, pulled out his katana and performed ritual Japanese suicide. Bo' Rai Cho took a massive swig of Goose and broke into a new song.

"We've got to do something," Reiko said, as Bo' Rai Cho pranced around the yard, chanting, "I like big butts and I cannot lie...you other brothers can't deny…" Sonya, Sub-Zero, and Shao Kahn all got shakily to their feet. Out of the corner of his eye, Reiko noticed the Rottweiler return and drag Kenshi's body off to parts unknown. Bo' Rai Cho laughed again and grabbed Sonya around the waist.

"MY ANNACONDA DON'T WANT NONE UNLESS YOU GOT BUNS, HON!!!" he yelled at her. Sonya screamed in terror.

"Help!!!"

"Allow me," Sub-Zero told her. He raised his hands and shot an iceball at the fat master, freezing him solid. Unfortunately, Sonya had also been caught in the blast, and was also frozen. With Bo' Rai Cho groping Sonya, and Sonya trying desperately to get away, it looked like some perverted ice sculpture.

"Bugger," Sub-Zero said, staring at Sonya frozen in Bo' Rai Cho's embrace.

"We could get Scorpion to thaw them out," Reiko suggested.

"Believe me, we don't want that," Sub-Zero assured him. "I just saw him ten minutes ago. Apparently he broke into the Wu Shi Temple after the party last night, and drank their entire stock of sacramental wine. He's even more trashed than Bo' Rai Cho. He'd roast our balls off."

"Damn. Oh, well."

Just then, Shao Kahn spoke up. "Um, guys? What the hell just happened?" Sub-Zero looked over at him, realizing for the first time that the emperor didn't have any eyes. He looked at Reiko questioningly.

"He caught Shang Tsung…ah…flogging his dong." Reiko informed him.

"Oh," said Sub-Zero. "Well, that'd do it…" He suddenly got a mischievous look in his eyes. Extending his hand, he quietly froze a nearby lamppost. "Hey, Kahn, about fifteen steps to your left is a giant popsicle. Why don't you go eat it?"

Kahn smiled and walked over to the lamppost. "Is it here?" he asked.

"Yep," Sub-Zero told him. Kahn grinned even wider, stuck out his tongue, and licked it. It took him about half a second to realize that it _wasn't _a popsicle, and his tongue was now stuck to the cold metal.

Kahn tried to scream a few choice swearwords, but they came out rather incoherent due to his inability to use his tongue. Reiko and Sub-Zero were both laughing, but that laughter quickly stopped as Shao Kahn ripped away from the lamppost and ran after them, yelling in rage, his tongue still stuck to the metal. Sub-Zero quickly shot another iceball and froze him as well.

"Holy shit," Sub-Zero muttered, staring at Kahn's tongue. "That's gotta hurt."

"This is gonna look really weird to someone walking by," Reiko remarked, indicating the two frozen statues, the tongue on the lamppost, and the trail of blood that marked where the Rottweiler had dragged Kenshi's body away. The two pondered this for a moment, then decided they didn't care.

"Hey, Reiko," Sub-Zero said, "Shinnok called me this morning and said he was throwing another party in the Netherrealm tonight. You wanna go?"

Reiko started to answer, but before the words could come out, something tugged at his mind, which had only recently recovered from the hangover. It was a vague pull, a wisp of a thought, an ever-so-brief reminder of something left undone, something that he still had to finish, something that he couldn't quite remember. _Screw it, must not be that important, _he thought. "I'm there," he told Sub-Zero.

"Score," the Lin Kuei warrior said. He gestured to the snowmobile. "Hop in." Reiko followed him to the vehicle and got in, and they sped off.

In Outworld, a very agitated Jax screamed, "WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY????"

**The End**


End file.
